CHICAGO—Moments after retiring to a small suburban home, raising three sons, and enjoying a distinguished career as a trial lawyer, local resident Fred Havemeyer was mortified to learn that the zipper of his pants had been down for the past 56 years of his life, sources reported today.
“Oh, for crying out loud,” the Chicago native said upon realizing he had just spent six decades walking around with his pants undone. “You have got to be kidding me.”
Despite trying to reassure himself that “maybe nobody had noticed” that his fly was open during the latter half of the 20th century, Havemeyer only grew more crestfallen the longer he thought about his gaffe.“You mean, this entire time? On the wrestling team? Vacationing with Margaret and the kids at Lake George? During my first communion?” said Havemeyer, his flushed face buried deep inside his hands.
“Well, I suppose it’s not that bad,” the 58-year-old said in an attempt to lift his spirits and find solace in the life-spanning blunder. “After all, I’ve overcome worse setbacks than this before. Like 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to—aw crap, don’t tell me it was down during my battle with cancer, too!”Havemeyer said that the embarrassing mistake must have occurred after leaving the bathroom a half century ago.
Despite his embarrassment, the retiree said he still believes it is important to maintain a sense of humor about the incident. “In the end, you need to be able to laugh at yourself,” Havemeyer told reporters. “There’s no use getting all bent out of shape over one silly mistake.”Havemeyer then chuckled to himself, revealing a giant piece of spinach he’s had lodged between his front two teeth since the Cuban Missile Crisis.
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