'It’s hard to pinpoint the origin of my internalized shame because of my disorganized memory but also because of…well, where do I start? Those of us with ADHD are taught to be ashamed of ourselves from an early age.'
. I don’t know hold old I was but I distinctly remember a support teacher staring at me in utter disgust because I couldn’t spell my surname. Now whenever someone is disappointed with me, that memory looms large and sets off a shame spiral of epic proportions.
I remember, too, when the controller for our family gaming console broke and we went out as a family to replace it. Money was scarce, but we bought it and I held the bag. I can vaguely remember sitting at the back of the bus daydreaming away, staring aimlessly at the winter dew on the window. I can vaguely remember getting off the bus with everyone. I will never forget the looks of disgust I got from every one of my family members when they realized that I had left the shopping bag on the bus.
The reality is that I have ADHD. My medial prefrontal cortex — which is heavily involved in decision-making processes, evaluating options and learning from errors — does not function like that of a neurotypical person. I am not neurotypical and there always will be blips. There is no ‘quick fix,’ but there are ways I can help myself. I can take my supplements, drink more green tea, use Google Calendar more, or create an exercise routine.
In short, I am learning to forgive myself over and over. I am learning to not rush to make amends, but to stand in the truth of who I am: a kind, considerate person who has ADHD. I am learning to accept that I am a person whose brain sometimes messes up and forgets things and does impulsive things. But I also love you and I see you, just as I hope you see me and care for me despite the chemical imbalance in my brain.
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