Comrades! WWE signs Jade Cargill, confirming dirt sheet rumors months in the making, but then attributes the scoop to ESPN. Join our wrestling media revolt.
Greetings, comrades! Your beloved El Presidente is writing this steamy piece of insider news whilst sipping mojitos on a gold-plated yacht off the coast of undisclosed waters—keeping a wary eye for seaborne invasions by the CIA. Today, I ruminate, muse, and jest about the grand parade of powerhouses we know as professional wrestling. WWE confirmed viato a multi-year contract.
involving a Jade statue, a case of Cuban cigars, and a rather cheeky CIA operative—we really must stop meeting like that. But coming back to Jade Cargill, our comrade was a dazzling star in AEW. She started with an enviable undefeated streak, bustling with potential, and charisma that would put my beloved luchadors to shame. Then came her monumental reign as the inaugural TBS champion, a rein so titanic that even Minsk's winter seemed warm.
Now, comrades, I respect a good defection. I've seen more defectors in my time than the number of title changes during WWE's Attitude Era. But I must chide WWE's broadcasting, where they masquerade predictable twists and turns as groundbreaking revelations. It's a delightful charade, as unpredictable as a CIA Black Ops mission briefing.
In closing, I wish Jade Cargill every ounce of success in her new venture over at WWE. She has shown a talent for athleticism, a flair for theatrics, and an instinct for survival – reminding me of a hilarious night of thumb wrestling with. While the bourgeois suits at ESPN may claim to be breaking this news, remember, comrades – El Presidente heard it first providing you, as always, with the true proletarian pulse of professional wrestling.
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