AskPolly: 'I am obsessed with the idea that there’s something wrong with me and that’s why people don’t want to get to know me.' hhavrilesky responds
I could, like many people, go on and on about everything I think is wrong with me. But when it comes down to it, I don’t think these are major things anyone else notices. I am reserved but funny and engaging and thoughtful. My biggest problem is that I have a really hard time connecting with people. This bothers me the most on a friendship level — although I also haven’t been in a romantic relationship in years .
I’m just so hurt. It takes so much for me to open up to people and let them know me, then something like that happens. So my question is, how can I develop more quality relationships with people? I am obsessed with the idea that there’s something wrong with me and that’s why people don’t want to get to know me. I’m okay with my circle being small, but right now it feels nonexistent.
I did that for years. I loved talkative, opinionated, creative women who grew up in emotionally neglectful families. That was my type . At first, we would hit it off like crazy: nonstop chatter, “Whoa, me, too!,” lots of high-fiving like frat boys, the whole thing. I just watched Booksmart for the first time and it almost made me cry, watching that first scene where they’re dancing in the street to greet each other. That giddy flavor of friendship is one of my favorite things under the sun.
Are you starting to see a theme here? I felt like everyone else deserved EVERYTHING from me, but I didn’t think I deserved anything from anyone else. I treated myself like a service provider. I offered up my premium bundle of services and I still wondered if I was really worth it.
Personally, I’m all about crawling back into holes and licking things. Okay, wow, I swear I am not trying to be creepy! See how nuts everything is right now? There’s this fluid feel to reality when you’re alone a lot. I’ve been quarantining upstairs in my house, away from my family , and my God, being alone for just one week has given me a ton of empathy for what people who live alone are up against out there.
You’re bad at this, for sure! Whatever! It’s fine! You’re also full of shame. Also fine. You will feel humbled by this news. It will suck. I feel humbled like three or four times a week now. I take humbling as a sign that I’m feeling all of my feelings, I know where I am, I’m open to learning, and I’m really stretching and trying dangerous new things. At first, of course, I greet my humbling with anger: “OH NO, I’M NOT FUCKING UP AGAIN.
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