“The hard truth: Despite the fact that we literally built an entire human being, this baby is a complete stranger to us, and us to her.”
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After administering every test under the sun, the doctors were finally able to provide a name for my illness: fibromyalgia—a particularly nasty condition that affects nearly every facet of the human chassis. In the months to follow, I managed to retain some semblance of my former life, but only with the help of strong medication—medication I’d never be able to take if I wanted to have a baby. Just imagining life without the drugs was enough to send me into a weeklong insomnia spell.
To put in that much energy and effort and love into someone who appeared to actually despise me was a crushing blow to what had been a very pretty picture of motherhood I had in my head. I spent weeks sobbing and raging in equal measure over the fact that she wasn’t soothed by my presence. That I was unable to take her from a place of pain and frustration into maternal nirvana—something, judging by all those blissful,, I should be able to do. But I couldn’t.
Yes, motherhood is without a doubt an utterly unique relationship—but it’s still a relationship. And relationships, the savory ones, the kind that endure and thrive, they take time. They don’t happen overnight. They don’t happen even in nine months.
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