Welcome to the National Conservativism conference, a coming together of ideologies for the ideologically challenged
e’re spoiled. On Saturday we were gifted the Take Control conference of the Conservative Democratic Organisation. A collection of 200 or so weirdos, led by Nadine Dorries and Andrea Jenkyns, whose lives have been devastated by the absence of Boris Johnson. A keening for a flake of his life. A seance, even. Needless to say, Johnson himself couldn’t be bothered to attend in person. Instead sending down a few signed bottles – not ones he had bought, obviously – to be auctioned in his memory.
So we had to make do with the Tory backbencher Miriam Cates instead as the warmup act. Her message to the faithful was that we needed more babies. Urgently. There were some obvious flaws with this. First, her audience was 75% male. Maybe the women had taken themselves off to side rooms to enthusiastically reproduce. Then there was the question of what kind of babies the UK needed.
Perhaps they could all be put in the houses that the immigrants were now living in. And the immigrants could all go somewhere else. She was all heart. It went without saying she didn’t think the nanny state should be involved in helping women to raise this surfeit of babies. “Conservatism is always common sense,” concluded Cates. Having talked complete bollocks for 20 minutes.
Jacob Rees-Mogg at least was off the hook, having already had six children. Even if he has delegated their upbringing to a nanny. His version of conservatism was that he knew best. Then, he always does. Rees-Mogg has yet to discover an issue on which he is wrong. But his insight for the day was that Saint Thomas Aquinas had been a Brexiter at heart. Which might come as news to Tom.
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