“After just a handful of dates and near-death experiences, I took her home to meet my great-grandparents.” In newyorkerhumor, a dream girl also features in nightmares.
I had a dream about a girl last night. She was perfect. She had auburn hair and a voice as sweet as maple syrup. Sometimes she looked a little like my ex-girlfriend Jen, but at other times she looked like my seventh-grade teacher, Ms. Martinez. And at other times she was a golden retriever.
I saw our whole life together. We lived in an apartment that was also my old high school, and even though I had to go back and take a math class that I’d forgotten about, she didn’t mind at all. She would write me all these love notes that I couldn’t read because the letters kept moving around, but the sentiment was very nice.
We went on romantic dates where we’d eat a picnic while falling off the Empire State Building, or watch an art-house film while being chased by shadow men. After just a handful of dates and near-death experiences, I took her home to meet my great-grandparents. They absolutely loved her, and asked how she got her radiant skin and where she bought her colorful clothes, so different from their sepia-toned skin and sepia-toned clothes.
We started looking at houses in the suburbs and found a neighborhood that was perfect. Rows upon rows of identical houses with my dream girl standing in the driveway of each one, begging me to come in. Then, suddenly, we were in New York Cancún City and put a down payment on an eighty-five-story beach shack. I always was more of a city slash beach-resort guy anyway.
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