'For a long time, I’ve been working to forgive myself for those ten minutes, for making that bad decision.'
I remember how I just needed ten minutes. Ten minutes to let myself feel tired and scared and sad. Ten minutes to let myself break down and fall apart—because I knew I wouldn’t give myself the chance again. My husband and my kids would need me to be their steady presence in the darkness that was coming for our family.
After I’d gathered up the pieces of myself, I looked at the time. My husband’s transport from the hospital to hospice was to leave at 10 a.m. I knew that if he left on time, and if I left right then, there was a chance I’d miss him, that we might very well cross paths going in opposite directions on the highway, and that I wouldn’t be there for his first moments in hospice.
When he arrived, so much later than I’d expected, he was asleep or sedated or comatose—I still don’t know. He didn’t wake as he was transferred from stretcher to bed. He didn’t wake to see the pictures the kids drew for him hanging on the walls or the pieces of home warming every corner of the room.
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