Perspective: When I lost my husband to brain cancer, I learned there is no road map for grief.
I am not rending my garments or wailing, but nonetheless I am a widow.
I feel somehow superior to all the non-widows. I understand this might seem wrong. I’m not sure when my widow’s license expires.Here’s what I wish someone had told us when Bill was diagnosed with glioblastoma: You just got a death sentence. You may feel optimistic because you’re young and still in good shape, and your tumor has a supposedly “good” mutation. But you have no way of knowing how much longer you’ll be alive. Wasting time now is folly.
Bill died 18 months after his diagnosis. By the time the truth was unavoidable, his brain had stopped working, and it was too late to discuss it with him.Bill always drove whenever we went anywhere. But after one of his surgeries eroded some peripheral vision, he couldn’t drive anymore.He thought I was a terrible driver and would sit there silently fuming — often tired or in pain — as we drove to and from UCLA for his treatments.
This may come off as a “humblebrag,” but I’m really not. I am just playing the hand I got dealt, which unfortunately has recently featured caring for a dying husband along with two kids and a dog.Not long before that — and this also feels weirdly like bragging — I survived my own serious bout with breast cancer. Also, my mother suddenly died while I was getting chemo.Once they’re out of the house, maybe I’ll stop being “strong” and lie facedown on the floor for, like, a year.
In the months since Bill died, there have been multiple occasions when I’ve had to decide whether to tell someone I don’t know well about his death. The presence of all his stuff makes me feel closer to him and even sometimes lets me imagine he didn’t die at all. Maybe he will magically reappear and want to look something up in his torts textbook. If so, I will be ready.There is so much bureaucratic stuff to deal with after your husband dies. I’m not even close to sorting it all out. It often requires sending a death certificate.They all tell me they’re sorry for my loss. Not sorry enough to spare me their bureaucratic rigmarole, though.
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