AskPolly: 'It’s hard to describe, but the kindness, though seemingly genuine, leaves such a bad taste in my mouth.' hhavrilesky responds
My last relationship ended just before the world did. It was loving, sweet, and deeply wrong. Though we were smitten with one another, we were staunchly different people who loved differently: I was anxious and needy, while he was avoidant and aloof. It made for a terrible partnership, feelings notwithstanding. So, when he decided to relocate to a different state just as the global pandemic erupted, we ended on relatively amicable terms.
Behind every incredibly needy, affectionate, love-adoring person, an avoidant, cold person lies in wait. And behind every avoidant, cold person, a needy, affectionate, love-adoring person lies in wait. You probably don’t want to look more closely at that. Ask yourself why. You’re unsettled and disoriented by his affection. It’s not just that it’s too late, is it? It’s that he can only do this when you’re not accessible.
Lately, I find that most people are pretty goddamn complex on this front. Someone whose winning stance is availability and openness sometimes turns out to be more avoidant than the most avoidant human being you could construct inside your imagination. Someone whose winning stance is toughness and strength and boundaries sometimes turns out to be the softest of the soft.
I mean, generally, if someone isn’t at peace with their knives and their mirrors, that can mean that they’re going to do harm with those things, or that they might make an enemy out of you, simply because you’re reasonably accepting of your own weaponry. And when a castle full of babies doesn’t really want anyone to know that they’re not really soldiers, well, they could blame you for mentioning the babies at all. It’s good to recognize this stuff as you go along.
Knowing yourself better keeps you from experiencing other people as incomplete, simply because they’re not like you. Forgiving yourself for your strange emotional reactions makes you more flexible and accepting when dealing with other people’s strange emotional reactions and unexpected boundaries. You don’t have to let people in when it doesn’t feel right. Instead, you notice how it feels, and you move forward based on those feelings. Nothing you feel is “wrong.
What I’ve found is that the more forgiving and honest you are, the better you feel about yourself and about your partner or close friend in a relationship. I also think that most of us are castles with high walls filled with sad, needy babies and evil queens and soldiers and jesters and bossy sisters and drunk cousins and dismissive nuns. When someone is showing you their baby and you’re a little grossed out by that, chances are you’re failing to see their soldier and their evil queen.
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