Some narcissists use a pattern of micro-abandonments to create insecurity and increase their power over others. Here's how it works, by DrErinLeonard
of idealization and devaluation, in tandem, a narcissist can gain an inordinate amount of control over a partner. Idealization is a defense mechanism that keeps a partner at a distance—on a pedestal. Love-bombing and agreeing with everything the person thinks and says are ways a narcissist idealizes a person. Devaluation, or treating the person as if she means nothing to the narcissist and deserves to be corrected, is a way a narcissist devalues a person.
Typically, the narcissist responds with indifference and then communicates disapproval regarding essential aspects of the person. For example, “I didn’t want to tell you this because I was afraid it would hurt your feelings, but you talk to your mom a lot. You tell her everything. It’s weird.” Now, the person feels like the closeness with her mom is immature, and she longs to recover the romantic bond, so she talks to her mom less and less.
As soon as the narcissist “reels the person in” and she trusts again, the narcissist repeats the same pattern to gain additional control. Panicked and devastated by every micro-abandonment, the person strives to do everything she can to please the narcissist, including relinquishing important aspects of herself.
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