'Cats' is canonically horny. The movie doesn’t lean hard enough into this, writes 4evrmalone
Photo: Vulture and Universal Pictures There’s a scene in Cats — spoilers ahead, but also Cats isn’t supposed to have a plot anyway — when Victoria and Mr. Mistoffelees share an intimate moment together. Mistoffelees has just rescued Victoria from certain death at the hands of a dog and the two are catching their breath, leaning against the safety of a now-closed door. It’s quiet. There’s a lot of prolonged eye contact. The two lean their heads together and put their faces real close.
Reader, I screamed. You could cut the forced romantic tension with a knife and they … just … nuzzle?!?! The nuzzling is an attempt to make the cast of Cats seem more feline, a lesson taught at the so-called “Cat School” all actors attended before making the film. And while I understand that, realistically, cats do not make out with each other and that nuzzling is truer to life for a cat wishing to demonstrate affection for another cat, this is Cats. Nothing is realistic.
Close your eyes. Picture Judi Dench. Stately, elegant, Academy Award–winning. Now picture Jason Derulo. Man who once had a photo of himself removed from Instagram because the outline of his dick was too visible. Okay, you with me? Great. Now, picture them NUZZLING. I could not make this shit up if I tried.
The thing about Cats is that it’s canonically horny. Sweaty bodies in unitards that leave very little to the imagination. Incredibly fit and hot people contorting themselves in all sorts of ways. Rum! Tum! Tugger ! It’s engineered to make you feel some kind of way and then feel some other kind of way about the kind of way the cats make you feel. The movie doesn’t lean hard enough into this. It only gets you halfway there and leaves you wanting more, and not in the good way.
Tom Hooper & Co. are currently in the process of rolling out a patched-up version of Cats — one that, ostensibly, corrects for some of the sins against God and man that is the CGI fur in the film. Also, more realistically, to try and help Universal recoup more of the mountain of funds it put into Cats, only to have the thing flop on opening weekend and drive people from the theater before the end credits.
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