How to tell the difference between a partner who has empathy and someone who will idealize you and put you up on an impossible pedestal
partner may resonate with your feelings regarding a problematic parent, “You are really hurt. You have every right to be. You do not deserve that. I would feel the same way.”partner may say, “Your mom is so selfish. She has no right to do that. If she cannot see how wonderful her daughter is, then she does not deserve to have you in her life. Don’t talk to her anymore. It just upsets you.”
Although both partners provide validation, they do so in different ways. The first partner recognizes your hurt and honors it. Their focus is on you and what you feel. Because they “get it,” you feel connected to them and less alone in your plight. Conversely, the other partner rushes to exalt you and vilify the individual who hurt you. Instead of understanding, the partner seeks to fix the problem by telling you what to do. One partner empathizes and the other idealizes.
A significant other who idealizes you in the beginning of a relationship usually puts you on a pedestal. However, viewing you as perfect and flawless may be. Instead of getting to know who you truly are, the partner may view you unrealistically, as the version the partner wants, not who you really are. In place of authentically connecting, empathizing, and seeing you in a balanced way, with both lovable strengths and weaknesses, the partner maintains you at a distance as “perfect.
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