If I Can’t Fuck the M&M Spokescandies, What Do I Have to Live For?

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If I Can’t Fuck the M&M Spokescandies, What Do I Have to Live For?
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Instead of just replenishing the M&M's with their inherent erotic essence, Mars Wrigley has brought in Maya Rudolph to 'fix' this castrated mess.

But Tucker Carlson, a voice for the voiceless, spoke up. “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous,” Carlson said on his show following the rebrand. “Until the moment when you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity. They’ve won.” Preach, brother.

” Instead of attempting to slip some Viagra back into their M&Ms and revitalize the beloved chocolate staple with its much-missed mojo, the company chose to neuter the sexual lifeblood of this country. To make matters worse, they’ve decided to bring inproject my anthropomorphized hard-shelled chocolate fantasies onto—to indefinitely replace all seven spokescandies.

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