I am shocked at how shocked I am. Why are we so unprepared when the inevitable comes to pass, asks Adrian Chiles
‘Even though I loved him greatly, I’m a bit guilty about being so terribly upset’ … Adrian as a child with his dad.‘Even though I loved him greatly, I’m a bit guilty about being so terribly upset’ … Adrian as a child with his dad.ound at my mate’s house, one Saturday morning when I was 17 years old, something astounding appeared on his television. This was 3
And in the blink of an eye, almost 40 years on, last week it was me finding myself with a dead body for the first time, and it was my dad’s. Where was my preparation for this moment? I’d picked up precious little since watching Gandhi’s mortal remains disappear on that wide-eyed morning half a lifetime ago.
I remain shocked at how shocked I am at his dying. After all, he was 86, we knew it was coming and it was a mercy to him – to all of us – that it came when it did. And though I loved him greatly, I’m surprised and even a bit guilty about being so terribly upset. It feels not far short of self-indulgent when I share the news with those of my friends who lost parents, let alone siblings and children, way before their time.
This little hospital was a nice place, with kindness available to him day and night. But it slowly became clear he wouldn’t be coming out of there. I suppose the thing about a deathbed is that you don’t want to be on it for too long. For a while it felt as if he was stuck between a life he didn’t want to live any more and a death he didn’t want to die.
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