Ask Roe: 'I am a serial cheater. I don’t like it, I feel guilty about it every day. But I can’t stop thinking about other men and cheating on my boyfriend'
I believe that your long-distance relationship, your current desire to cheat, and your previous experiences of cheating are likely all united by one theme: the fear and avoidance of real intimacy.
Distance allows you to control your dynamic in a very particular way, and the question is whether you want to relinquish that control for something more messy, vulnerable, inconvenient, taxing, effort-filled, revealing, boring, and gloriously flawed – and I don’t know if you do. The reason I think that avoidance is the key here is because your reasoning for cheating isn’t as straightforward as you claim it to be. You say that you like the validation of being wanted by men. Sure. Most people enjoy the validation of having someone consider us attractive.
And you don’t just want to freely enjoy getting with lots of people, because if you did, you could stay single or have an ethical, non-monogamous relationship where you could, for one example, have a primary partner and still get with other people, all while being open and honest. You never have to make the sacrifice required of a loving monogamous relationship and choose the work of commitment, because you either get with other people or keep your relationships at a physical distance. And you never have to fully accept that you could be worthy of love and rise to the occasion by being a good partner, because by cheating you are telling yourself every day that you are a bad person and that real, committed love isn’t for you.
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