'For me, the holiday season brings feelings of anxiety and inadequacy rather than holiday cheer.'
The author and her husband enjoyed spending the New Year's holiday in Philadelphia.I’ve never seen a Hallmark Christmas movie. I know they’re popular for their delightful escapism. But I’m self-aware enough to know my triggers, and I believe Hallmark movies might be one of them. It’s not that I’ve ever returned to my hometown and had a disastrous holiday hookup ― instead, it’s Christmas itself that is the problem.
By my teens, I was living in group homes. Some kids got to go back home for Christmas, but I wasn’t one of them. Spending Christmas in foster care highlighted the things I didn’t have. I no longer had a family that inexplicably transformed into a Hallmark creation one day a year. There was no more joyfully decorated tree or mountain of gifts, nor was there anything to temporarily distract from the dysfunctions that had landed me in the system.
One year in my early 20s, money was particularly tight. It felt unthinkable to show up empty-handed, so I spent two months attempting to knit a sweater for my mother. In the end, it was a monstrosity, and I had to put it in a cereal box because I couldn’t afford wrapping paper. That year feels like a low point.
Our destinations have ranged from Florida, where the palm trees are decked out in twinkling lights, to mountain cabins where we’ve been snowed in. This year we’ve opted for a cabin that faces a river, nestled in a mountain valley. I reserved it during a sweltering heat wave. It was the last one available and, fortunately, one of the most isolated.Photo Courtesy Of TJ Butler
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