I thought I'd have to break myself to feed my baby. Then I found these cookies.
, recounts her tumultuous breastfeed journey—and the rituals she developed to cope.
My parents, who’d come to Philadelphia to help with the baby, wanted me to follow the postpartum Chinese principles of confinement or “zuo yue zi,” which, according to my father, translates from Mandarin to “sitting still indoors for a month.” During this period of rest, a new mother is fed special foods, such as rich chicken soup perfumed with ginger and wine or bone broths laced with plump red dates.
In the hospital I’d learned that my C-section had slowed the natural process of lactation. As a result I wasn’t producing enough milk for my daughter to gain weight. Every two hours I nursed and pumped, praying my body would cooperate. My inadequate supply drew the attention of a parade of medical personnel—especially the lactation consultant who, along with a litany of corrections, matter-of-factly noted my baby’s shallow latch and how I wasn’t holding her properly.
I wanted to scream. But I was too anxious and sleep-deprived to do even that. Nothing had gone according to plan. I didn’t breathe through my contractions. I didn’t surrender to the pain. I didn’t have a natural birth. And now I couldn’t provide my baby with the milk she needed to thrive. I’d arrived at motherhood consumed with big-picture worries: whether I’d raise a confident daughter, what values I’d impart, if I’d have time to write. I hadn’t expected to fail so soon.
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