AskPolly: 'There’s this part of me that is pretty convinced I’m a nightmare person'
There’s this part of me that is pretty convinced I’m a nightmare person. Actually, I mostly like myself — a lot more now than I used to. But I’m terrified of vulnerability. I have this friend who is really good at just expressing her desires, and she’s so open with people and authentic and cool. I wish I could be more open like that. For example, I often try to give people the impression that I don’t need them, because admitting I do feels extremely uncomfortable.
Also, I tell white lies often. They’re usually not premeditated and I tell them in circumstances when I want the other person to think that I am very interesting, happy, and sociable, with lots of friends, and that I don’t need anything from them personally. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I’m all these things and other times I feel like I’m isolating myself out of fear of being rejected if I’m just me, or fear of making other people uncomfortable with my needs.
I’m telling you this stuff because you need to know not only how common it is to feel this way, but also how incredibly difficult it can be to scrape away at these kinds of belief systems. It seems so simple to look straight at the core of your problem: I need to hide who I am and how I feel or no one will love me. Anyone can identify this sentiment in themselves and others. Look around.
Do you see how all of these factors reinforce feelings of isolation and reconfirm your belief that you’re a selfish nightmare person who always wants too much and will always be isolated from other, healthier people? You always want more because you can’t feel what you have.
It’s strange how perfectly our stories match each other, isn’t it? You never need to know that many details to get the whole picture. It’s all so fucking simple. And that’s also why community is so important. Because when you reach out to other people with an open heart and you tell them the truth? You’ll hear your own experiences bouncing around in their stories. You don’t need a “special” community, as you put it, to get that. You can find it anywhere.
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