For years I blamed my disability for my adolescent unhappiness. Then, as an adult, I learned to embrace and celebrate my body. I wish others could do the same
y friends and I are lounging by a beautiful pool in Oman, enjoying our girls-only break. There is lighthearted chat about jobs and boys and the stupid things we’ve done on nights out. It takes one mention of a dress worn somewhere, one adjustment of a bikini, for the conversation to turn to our bodies.
I have never felt as exposed as I did during year 7 swimming lessons; feeling the whole class watching and fidgeting awkwardly as I transferred into a hoist and then sat, shivering in my swimsuit, as the teachers worked out how to lower me into the water. This happened every week, and I am sure that eventually no one even glanced over, but by then it was too late. The shame had taken hold.
It never occurred to me to ask whether I liked how I looked from a non-disability standpoint. My body was a physical challenge to deal with, not something with any aesthetic value. While peers tried different styles and dyed their hair ever-changing colours, I wore the same jeans until they were faded, the same hoodie until it was too small, and never paused to ask myself whether this was what I wanted or if my clothes reflected who I was.
Things began to change at Warwick University, where a new world of decent accessibility across campus and in my halls of residence took a lot of the strain out of navigating my body through life. Very quickly, I made friends who only cared about what I could or couldn’t do so that they could make sure I was included. I knew life for me and my body had changed when a new pal called to ask whether they should cancel a long-planned society Laser Quest social or whether there was a way I could play.
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