It became clear that there was something wrong with me. I secretly suspected that I was born in a different galaxy far, far away.
I fantasized about how I ended up here: I must have crawled onto a spaceship from my home planet and accidentally crash landed on Earth.
"You're out, retard." She said the word as if it were a bullet she had fired before, and she knew exactly where to aim. I didn't know what this word meant, but I knew it wasn't good. So I decided to try even harder to blend in. But the more this worked in my relationships, the worse I felt about myself.I first started to develop romantic feelings for girls at around age 9, though possibly earlier.
I made myself"like boys." I trained myself to want them until I believed the lie. But deep down, I always knew I didn't find boys attractive at all. I wanted to be accepted.I continued to hide my disability and sexuality throughout middle school and in high school. I changed high school three times, which stopped once we moved from Long Island, New York, to Charlotte, North Carolina in junior year.
My parents knew I was socially awkward, quirky, and anxious, but they just thought I was an"old soul." Then, in my freshman year of college, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I try not to be harsh on myself when I don't have anyone to hang out with on weekends or during breaks. I also want different outcomes in a relationship than most people. I value stability and a soulmate over a temporary fling and I've deleted dating apps that I thought I needed to use.
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