Our expert tips will help you find your way back to each other
the issue isn’t that there’s distance between you: ‘it’s that the space is not empty.’ ‘It’s full of hurt feelings, when you both felt rejected or self-conscious or worried,’ she says, even if they’re not always obvious.
The best way to bridge this gap is to reopen severed lines of communication and commit to rebuilding physical intimacy, so I asked the experts how to do it. After all, love is not necessarily lost forever – you just need to make the journey to find it.
Do interruptions, talking over, contradicting and overruling form a big part of the way you and your partner normally communicate?Before you can start addressing the disconnect, Quilliam suggests taking baby steps to re-establish positive communication. ‘Look at how many of your interactions contain negative emotions,’ she says. Perhaps they’re characterised by snapping and telling each other off. ‘Try to switch these interactions to positive emotions,’ she recommends.
Many people feel disheartened with their sex lives because one partner wants sex more than the other. But it’s important to remember that there are two ways of experiencing desire. ‘Spontaneous desire is like a lightning bolt out of the blue, where you feel desire in anticipation of sex,’ Emily Nagoski explains. Many people experience this – especially men – but women overwhelmingly experience responsive desire instead. ‘This emerges in response to pleasure,’ she says.
Nagoski compares sex to going to your best friend’s party. ‘You say yes, because it’s your best friend, and it’s a party! Then as the date gets closer, you start thinking about the heavy traffic and hiring the babysitter and it seems less appealing. But once you get there, you have fun.’ Sometimes you can just put your party clothes on, and the enjoyment will follow.
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