I don’t remember the first time I felt tingles “down there,' but I do remember the shame I felt around it.
in my teens) but I know that I wanted to and wished to be intimate with someone, and something was holding me back.I didn’t want to be the girl who gave it up; I felt that I should be in love and in a relationship to enjoy sexual pleasure. I had the stifling notion that my sexual awakening should live up to something I’d read about or watched or seen play out in the cafeteria. When I did start having sex, it was fun, sure, but often I had; sometimes I still struggle with it.
As a former health editor I’ve read and written a ton about sex and pleasure and, ever an A+ student, I’ve tried to apply everything I’ve soaked up to my hesitancies around pleasure. My biggest breakthrough came a few years ago when I went to see a sex therapist for a one-time session. I remember the sense of relief when she reaffirmed that everything I was feeling was normal. She also reminded me that retraining the way our brain functions around anxiety and sex and shame takes time and work.
Now, I’m learning to find pleasure from sex from start to finish. I know what will get me off and what definitely won’t . Most importantly, I’m not afraid or embarrassed to kick my partner out of the room, close the door and take matters into my own hands.I’m trying to be kind to my eight-year-old self and I’ve been watching other people celebrate this agency too.
After all, we are all works in progress and that’s okay too. When my parents moved out of my childhood home recently, I came to help them and my father and I were packing up my bookshelf and found the stack of dirty books I’d hidden behind my French textbooks andcollection. I resisted the urge to run from the room and find a new identity. Instead I paused and said calmly: “It’s natural.”
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