'...For some, grieving in a room full of people can be the opposite of what they need. For many, myself included, culture doesn't always feel like a protective blanket — it can feel invasive,' writes sarahsamuel_.
For many, myself included, culture doesn’t always feel like a protective blanket — it can feel invasive. I was expected to recount the details of my dad’s death, and pray and mourn with my distant relatives I’d never met before. Family I was closer with — aunts, uncles, cousins — advised me not to show anger at “God’s will” for taking my father away at 62. It
Vijayakumaran asked his client what he needed, and the response was clear — space. In his case, that meant attending a traditional mourning ceremony during the day but spending time alone by the lake at night., a Vancouver-based grief counselor. Checking in with yourself is crucial, especially for second-gen, she adds, since we are “primed” to conform as a result of the pressure to be a good daughter or son.
But I wish I had more support in navigating how to ask for space — I shut my family out because I didn’t know how to negotiate a middle ground. Sometimes I feel guilty for not going through with more customary mourning practices. But my father’s passing was sudden, and being overseas meant I couldn't bury him or say my final goodbye. My only “closure” was watching his. So, I don't regret taking space — ultimately, it allowed me to find my own path to healing.
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