'I remain determined to follow the current trends set by my respected and trusted social media influencers. Because I am desperate to be cool.'
Ariela Basson/Scary Mommy; Madewell, Getty Images, Shutterstock
Looking at my reflection, it is clear that they widen me in all the wrong places, pancake my already flat ass, and land a full inch shorter than they seemingly should. And while my trusted oldelongated my body, I now look like a potato. Baked, probably. So here I am desperately pleading to the fashion gods for a little change.
I also need lifting, as my entire body has started melting and gravity is not my friend. My butt has no bubble.
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