President Donald Trump took the witness stand this week to defend himself in a civil fraud trial brought by the New York state attorney general’s office. The Onion offers a blow-by-blow account and the biggest takeaways of Trump’s civil fraud testimony.
Donald Trump may not have been completely forthright in his past business dealings. Judge Arthur F. Engoron called for an unprecedented 18 temple-massage breaks. In a blow for the defense, Trump admits on the stand that Trump Tower is only 38 feet tall. Civil trials are lame as hell. Trump admitted to inflating how many children he has on his taxes by 20 to 30 Barrons.
Mouthed, “Who’s that?” when Eric Trump entered the courtroom. Tension briefly eased by bailiff chasing loose squirrel. After repeatedly making finger-gun motion at court staff, Trump was hit with a crippling $9.99 fine. Deutsche Bank will really give money to anyone. Trump immediately confessed to everything, bound as he is by the sacred oath he took upon being sworn in.
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