Dear Amy: I’m angry that the daughter would try to control her mother’s life through coercive means.
For almost a year, I have been dating a woman my age. We live over two hours apart, but enjoy visiting each other and meeting in other destinations. We have developed a caring and intimate relationship.Then she caught mild COVID and so we kept our distance, although we have stayed in daily contact by phone and text.
After a tearful second phone call, my friend shared that her daughter had told her that our intimacy outside of marriage was very wrong on religious grounds and that if she didn’t break it off with me, she wouldn’t be allowed to see her grandchildren.I don’t think that our relationship is morally wrong, and I don’t want to lose it, but this is troubling.Advertisement
The way some parents use contact with grandchildren as a way to bully their folks is mean, coercive, controlling and – unfair. Threats of estrangement also demonstrate terrible judgment, as well as deeply flawed parenting.But a threat of estrangement won’t work if the other party refuses to play. And in this sense, your friend has enabled her daughter to control her life, essentially opening the door and inviting her into your relationship – where she has no business being.
I am very hurt and unsure if I should send the bride a note of apology, even though I’m not sure what I did wrong.Dear Hurt: Your choice to mention that you’d planned your vacation around their wedding date reminded the bride that their wedding planning has been messy and might inconvenience people.Wedding plans are in a special and very sensitive category. It’s best not to weigh in at all, unless it is a matter of extreme importance .
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