It’s time for parents to rethink the adage about never having an argument in front of their children
Illustration: Jon Krause By Sue Shellenbarger April 22, 2019 5:30 a.m. ET Many parents were raised believing the old rule: Never fight in front of the children.
“If you can say, ‘Well, I’m mad at you for this,’ but focus on a future solution, and your children are hearing this, they’re going to believe that really good things can come out of disagreements,” says Laurie Puhn, a New York-based attorney, mediator and author of “Fight Less, Love More.” Dan Shapiro and his wife, Mia, sometimes deliberately work out some disagreements in front of their three sons, ages 7 to 13. “We want our children to see that conflict isn’t bad and that one can learn a lot from it,” says Dr. Shapiro, author of “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable” and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program in Cambridge, Mass.
The aftermath of parental arguments is at least as important as the battle itself. Children have keen emotional radars. Unresolved tensions after a parental disagreement are linked to increased anxiety, depression and social phobia in children eight years later, according to a 2016 study led by Rebecca Brock, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln.
To maintain a positive climate, avoid what Ms. Puhn calls revolving-door battles—repeated arguments over chronic complaints or immutable differences that go nowhere. Research shows 69% of conflicts between couples focus on perpetual problems that remain unresolved.
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